Welp, it’s that time of year again. The first real snowfall more or less marks the beginning of Cuffing Season. And with Thanksgiving in the rear-view, I’m sure we can all agree that Cuffing Season is officially upon us. Some people dread this time of year, because it marks a time of many cold, dark nights, filled with thoughts of “Is this single life REALLY where it’s at?” and tweets that scream “Yeah I’m lonely. So what”.
Others embrace this time of year because they can save money by staying indoors and have a built-in excuse for not attending social functions, but mostly because they get to lay up, have sex, eat, and put on extra pounds for insulation in the winter. Many veterans that enjoy the thrill of Cuffing Season have spent the past few weeks of Fall going out and attending social events, scouting potential candidates, and holding training camps to find the right piece to add the team and squeeze all of the potential out of the season.
In reality, Cuffing Season is just a way for us Midwest and East Coast residents to come to grips with the inevitable 3 – 4 months of cold and eternal darkness known as winter. The thought of spending the next few months only going to work — at a job that you may hate — and then coming back home to sit alone doesn’t sound the slightest bit appealing. Although this is a route that some people choose to take. Regardless of whether you choose to be one of these poor souls, or you plan to be a young jack rabbit having sex like it’s going out of style, there are guidelines you must abide by in order to protect yourself, and also make the winter months pass by in the blink of an eye.
That’s where ya boy comes in.
I proudly bring to you the first installment of the official CoS Cuffing Season series:
The Cuffing Season Survival Kit.
Let’s get started.
A man/woman that you can tolerate just enough to last the winter months, aka at least 1 booty call
This is the biggest necessity of the season. Even if you decide that you don’t want to be a regular participant in the festivities of the season, you need to at LEAST have that one person in your phone that you can call to give you some sexual healing. For ladies I call it the Maintenance Man, for the fellas I call it Booty OnDemand, but for the remainder of this post I will refer to them collectively as a “Yahmean”. For those of you who don’t know what a Yahmean is, I’ll give you the D-Frankly Merriam Dictionary definition:
Yahmean – the label for an undefined role a person plays in your life. They provide more than a simple booty call, but aren’t quite a boyfriend or girlfriend. Simply put, the yahmean is in between a booty call and relationship.
When used in a sentence it reads as follows: “That’s not my girlfriend….it’s my mafuckin…yahmean.”
You have to be careful when dealing with and selecting these individuals. You want to make sure they’re a suitable partner for fulfilling your needs and also someone that you can tolerate being around — and preferably have a good time with — but aren’t attached to so there’s no misunderstandings come May. So it’s crucial that you make sure this individual has some flaws that you refuse to deal with in the long term. Cuffing Season is about short term satisfaction, a “space filler” if you will. Not a “Happily Ever After”. If that’s what you’re looking for, this game may not be for you. Avoid this at all costs.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. You want to make sure that you always have access to a calendar during Cuffing Season for a number of reasons:
1) Allows you to keep track if you and your Yahmean have been kicking it too often in a short period of time. This is how feelings can get caught up. Sometimes you have to take a step back and slow your roll. If you spend too much time together Cuffing Season can deceive you into believing that you have something real. But again, that’s not what this season is about. You don’t want nothing real, fake it ’til you make it.
2) Allows you to keep tabs on the menstrual cycle. Yes ladies, fellas keep track too. Again, the last thing we want is an unplanned parenthood, so some of us like to make sure we keep our eyes open and make sure everything is going according to schedule.
3) The most obvious reason: to know when the end of the season is approaching. May 1st is the ending to Cuffing Season at the very latest, but it may vary from person to person. Some people may consider it over once the first sign of green grass shows on the ground, in which case a calendar can’t do much for you. Either way you need to know when the post-season is approaching, aka Spring. Spring is the official conclusion of Cuffing Season, and plays the role of ushering in the Off-Season, aka Summer.
An extensive collection of movies/Netflix/HuluPlus
Because it’s going to be cold outside you’ll want to make sure you have plenty of entertainment at the crib. An ultimate collection of movies is one of the no-brainers of cuffing season. A subscription to Netflix or HuluPlus is an even better way to go because it provides a plethora of ever-changing options that can keep you occupied for hours on end. Netflix affords you the opportunity to catch up on your Denzel Washington movies that you’ve never seen, and HuluPlus allows you to catch up on the latest season of Dexter. Both of which are a MUST for those of y’all that ain’t up on game. And if you’re trying to take it to the next level you can even buy a Roku box. It allows you to watch Netflix, Hulu, bootlegs, even listen to Pandora, all in one place. A one-stop shop if you will. In short, it changes the game. Shoutout to @ALSophisticated for putting me on.
It’s a cold world we live in, so you need to be prepared to stay warm. If you don’t have someone to provide that additional body heat for you, you better go ahead and cop you a heated blanket to warm up those lonely limbs while you’re busy getting your Netflix and Hulu on.
A variety pack of Trojans
This is one of the most important ones right here. Old faithful. For individuals with a designated franchise player for the season you’ll most likely be having an unprecedented amount of sex, so it’s best to go ahead and wrap it up. Better to be safe than sorry. I’m 100% convinced that all of the paternity tests on Maury are a result of cuffing season.
The last thing you want is to have a temporary cuffing season woop become an 18 year and 9 month obligation because of an unplanned parenthood. Let Trojan protect you. And don’t just buy the bland regular pack of Trojans, put some spice in your life and get the variety pack. Some his/her pleasure jawns, some ribbed jawns, some ultra-thins, everything you need to have an all-night extravaganza.
Jacks 5 for $10 pizzas
N!ggas gotta eat. Simple and plain. If you’re lazy and don’t know how/like to cook this is for you. If you’re going to be busy getting it in like the world is about to end, and won’t have much spare time to cook, this is for you as well.
P90X or some other workout video
There will be a lot of eating and laying down going on during this time of year. That’s not good for your figure. Since most people will be spending days indoors, laying under blankets in an attempt to stay warm, it’s a good idea to have some sort of workout video at home so that you can stay in decent shape. Don’t allow this season to set you back and destroy your self-esteem by transforming you into a refrigerator with feet. Cop you a workout dvd and keep it tight during the winter.
NBA League Pass
This is one of my Cuffing Season favorites right here. I’m a sports lover, so I use basketball and football as a distraction during my leisure. NBA League Pass is a good tool to have for both the ladies and the fellas. For the fellas it gives you access to your favorite teams so you can flip the channel and watch Lebron or CP3 go to work on the hardwood. And for the ladies it’s a good tool to have as well if you’re a basketball fans, but even better, you can use it to lure your Yahmean over if you get lonely.
And there you have it, people! Eight essentials to get you through the season. But this is just the starter kit, there’s more where that comes from. Can’t teach you too much too soon though, baby steps. Be on the lookout for next installment of the Cuffing Season series, and feel free to let me know about any items I may have missed.
Until next time. Stay warm, stay safe, and in the spirit of the season, stay thirsty my friends.
Join the Movement #SQUARES Unite