Fucks Anonymous – A Monologue

Fucks Anonymous – A Monologue


Whuduh doe, Squares?

Long time no speaketh. Life crady den a mug dese days. Cradyyyyyy. Nah, there’s still no excuse for the young slackage. I’m a writer. I should probably write. Tanget done.

So, I wrote a monologue. It was inspired by a beyond hilarious friend of mine, Ms. Pauline Johnson (you should check her out on youtube she’s pretty dope). She needed a monologue for her senior project, she gave a prompt, and this is what I came up with. Though she didn’t use it, I was kind of a fan. Let me know what you guys think.

Two times for not giving a fuck!




walks to center of stage, survey’s audience, clears throat**

Hi. I’m Jess. And it’s been 271 days, 13 hours, 51 minutes, and — checks watch — 17 seconds since I’ve given a fuck. And to be honest, this is by far the happiest I’ve ever been. Like . . . EVER, which is pretty telling considering I’ve found “success” at every stage of my life. I was an outstanding student, I excelled in sports and extracurricular activities, I got into a good college, worked my butt off, graduated with honors . . . I even managed to find a pretty stellar job once I graduated. If you were on the outside looking in, it would’ve appeared a gal had it all. Success, money, great friends, a supportive family, a little Pomeranian named Lucille that’s my bitch to the end, and a boyfriend that . . . let’s just say if we received degrees for our love making ability, he’d have a PhD in goooot DAMN.

 stares off for moment **

What was I saying?


So yeah, it would appear I’d achieved that American Dream so many hapless souls fight and claw for day in day out. Yet. I was empty. Off. Downright miserable.  And I didn’t get it? After working my ass of for 24 years – overachieving, sacrificing time, sleep, my health, and everything in between for “the bottom line”, I woke up one morning and asked myself, is this it? Is this all there is? It can’t be. It couldn’t be. I refused to believe it.

For my entire life, I had been in a perpetual state of stress. Deadline after deadline, always having somewhere to be and something to do. I had an unrelenting need to be the best – the smartest, the quickest, the prettiest, the most popular. My mind was never at rest. I was never at rest. It felt like I was racing non-stop towards a finish line that was nowhere in sight. I was never allowed to just…BE. Don’t you just wanna, BE, sometimes people?

surveys crowd**

I guess that was my “ah ha” moment. It finally dawned on me that I gave entirely too many fucks about entirely too many things. Why? Because we’re TOLD to give a fuck about any and everything. Constantly. Am I right? Our parents tell us to give a fuck because our future depends on it. Our teachers tell us to give a fuck because our future depends on it. Our peers tell us to give a fuck because our PRESENT depends on it. We’re bombarded by advertisements that tell us to give a fuck because our HAPPINESS depends on it. And our employers tell us to give a fuck because our WELL BEING depends on it.

This is some fuck shit, isn’t it people? Some absolutely fuck shit. We’re asked to give a fuck about everything but ourselves. I don’t know about you guys, but that seems ass backwards to me. Ass, backwards.  I say, we shouldn’t give a fuck about anything BUT ourselves. Not in the sense that we should be selfish, because selfishness is obviously a by-product of giving an obscene amount of fucks about the wrong things. What I’m sayin is . . . maybe if we focus on ourselves — health, happiness, cultivation, GROWTH—Some would say, the shit that actually matters—then, MAYBE, everything else would work itself out. Like, honestly. Screw stress, guys. Screw it with a dirty, herpes infested condom. It will freaking KILL you. Literally. And ain’t nobody got time for that!

If this is you’re first time to this group and you find yourself drowning in the amount of fucks you give, here’s some things you should ask yourself:

  1. Are you fulfilled? If not, are you even on TRACK to being fulfilled?
  2. What do you value? Be honest with yourself; acknowledge if you value some stupid shit. Like say, what others think of you? If your boss likes you? Etc
  3. What are some of your stressors? Debt? Bills? Work? School?

After you’ve answered all of these questions, do yourself a favor, and stop giving a fuck about all of it. All of it. Zero fucks. What’s done is done. Love you for you. And fuck anything that gets in the way of that. You’ll thank me later.

Disclaimer: If you’re going to start not giving a fuck about shit. Don’t give a fuck about shit responsibly. Give a fuck about the shit that matters and fuck the shit that doesn’t. Free yourself. But don’t fuck yourself.  I’m sure that made sense to someone. K . . again I apologize. Long winded. Hmm anything else?


Oh! One more thing. Once you stop giving a fuck, you have free license to tell an enumerable amount of “I don’t give a fuck jokes” such as — clears throat — “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m going to have to cut you off right there, slick. It kind of sounds like you’re asking me to give a fuck right now. But uh . . . I have ABSOLUTELY none to give.  Not a one. Think I gave my last one away a couple months ago. Hate you missed it.”

Thank you guys for hearing me out. This is extremely therapeutic for me. Seriously. To not giving a fuck!

flicks crowd off with both hands. The crowd erupts**